“The path of spiritual healing is a powerful one, and in few places is healing so sorely needed as in the realm of our hearts.” – Jim Tolles, Spiritual Healer
My son’s death gave me the most unimaginable pain. Contrary to that, my son’s death also made me feel alive. Losing a child is like losing a part of yourself. Your children are your greatest extension of who you are. The birth of a baby draws out a love inside the mother so fierce and so mighty that it ignites the most ancient parts of our soul, enabling us to discover a part of us we haven’t seen yet. Some mothers see this change immediately while others may struggle for months or even years. Here is what I learned and share with you now:
The spirit of a child that chooses to be born through you in your lifetime is for a reason. Your children’s souls are divinely chosen for you to bring your spirit to a powerful level of growth and healing. Whether that healing is immediate or not, your children choose you. My first pregnancy with my daughter, Lillian, came fast and without warning or preparation on our part. Her tiny spirit was divinely given and she knew I needed her at that time of my life to begin to awaken. But I needed her to ground me as I learned to become a mother. This helped me to get through the loss with Joseph. Lilly was seven years old at that time. During those weeks that followed after I came home from the hospital with empty arms, Lilly held my hand and reminded me to smile even during the hardest moments when I thought I couldn’t possibly cry one more tear. Through our mother/daughter connection, I discovered that she’s my soul sister in many ways. In her sweet innocence, she provided me with a kind of support I never expected. She helped me remain connected to God’s Love that awaited me to open and receive. It would be a long time before I could make that connection to God fully, but my sweet daughter bridged the gap in Spirit’s mysterious ways. I was so angry at life and myself. What I had yet to discover was that anger at myself was separating me from love of myself that comes from within. This is where Spirit lives. The anguish from my son’s death was really the opening of my heart. Loss of anyone you love literally ‘breaks the heart’. My heart began to break open, despite the pain, the day his spirit left my womb. But I learned that healing is best achieved in this state.
It was not easy. At first I felt numb, almost like the darkness created a hole in my heart. I was empty. Great teachers have said that it is only in that state of emptiness that we can truly receive. For months I was silent, ignoring the divine signs from above feverishly showing me everything was going to be okay again. God was telling me to trust. One day I got home from teaching a class to pregnant mothers, feeling extremely tired and frustrated. I am not one to take a nap but I simply could not resist. I laid down and in my dream I was back in the place I had just taught my class. The place was an infant retail store. I bent down looking at some baby items and it was then that I saw her. She was a toddler with blonde hair and blue eyes, standing right next to me. I heard my own voice say, “Layla where are you? Come here to mommy.” The little girl giggled, then whispered I love you Momma, I will see you soon. And she dashed off. Wait, was that my voice? Who was that? See me…soon? I woke in a sweat.
For the first time in weeks, I buried my face and I cried and cried, allowing myself not just to cry the tears but to actually allow my heart to feel the pain. My pain inside that started years before, fell with each wet tear. It was the first time I FELT something. This was the beginning to my road to healing myself and allowing Divine Love to help me on my path to recovery and spiritual growth. Love truly heals all things. I can now say that,
He taught me a new kind of love. My son. My angel above.
The journey continued with another pregnancy in which I suffered again from Hyperemesis Gravidarum (and spell check still cannot get it right)…only this time, my baby came and blessed me here on this earthly plane.
Layla Donna Gibson was born on March 25, 2015 – my little warrior. My incredible HG Rainbow miracle.